Summer 2011-October 2011
I was single and happier than I had been in a long while. I felt free and strong and independent and wonderful. I was not prepared for it to end.
October 2011-November 2011
I met Mark*. Well, I had met him the previous spring but he didn't live in Chicago and me and him talked all summer and then he came back to Chicago where we fell in love and started dating and it was fast but wonderful and I was so excited and full of hope.
December 2011-February 2012
Surprise! The wonderment didn't last. Mark started being distant and awful and long distance was not good and I was slightly self destructive. I also became the sweetheart of a fraternity and made a lot of new friends. So, I wasn't happy, but I was having fun. I was basically trying to get back my old boyfriend, not the new one who didn't think Christmas presents were important and thought I was annoying. But, I was slowly realizing I'd never get him back.
March 2012
At the beginning of the month I went to celebrate Unofficial with my friend, Nellie*, and SURPRISE, one of the guys in that fraternity I had become sweetheart of happened to be there as well. So I met up with Patrick* and his friend who went there, Orion* (pictured) and seriously had the time of my life and stopped worrying about Mark and realized that I didn't want to be with him anymore... me developing a crush on Patrick probably aided to that as well.
So then I flew to San Diego with my mom! And broke up with Mark and had a great time bonding with her.
Then I had too much fun being single again when I came back and was much happier. I got closer to Patrick and asked him to my sorority's formal and he said yes! Unfortunately he got back together with his girlfriend the very next day...
April 2012-May 2012
However he still went with me as friends and we had a great time. I had a pretty big crush on him and was happy when they broke up again. And then sad when they were still together, if not officially...
Summer 2012
I had a crazy self destructive summer. I was very sad about Patrick and then Mark got married 3 months after we broke up. I was a mess. And the situation between Me, Patrick, his girlfriend got murkier and murkier. Then when one of my guy friends said he could see us together "later" and how he was good friends with Patrick... I just couldn't deal with it anymore and left town for two weeks.
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I went to Michigan with my family and then Florida with my very best friend Renee* and literally let all the drama and heartbreak flush from my system. I accepted that Patrick was with his girlfriend. I accepted that if, in a year from then, Patrick was no longer in my life or he was but was with his girlfriend (and no confusion there because I was done being that girl), that maybe Orion would be an option but that it was too soon to tell. I realized that friendships between people of the opposite sex are complicated without a girlfriend/boyfriend buffer. But I was ready to put all of it behind me. And ready to move on and felt stronger than I had in almost a year.
Fall 2012-Present
Wellllllll as hypocritical as it is. Patrick did break up with his ex for good. And as much as we tried to take it slow and just see hoe it went. We ended up officially together less than a month later. And it's seriously been wonderful. I have never been happier in my life especially for such a long period of time.
He's the reason I wanted to update. I kind of freaked out on him this week. It's the heart of finals and everyone is very busy. So, Pat hadn't been calling me or texting me as he usually did. I probably shouldn't have freaked out, but I did. It scared me because what cued the change in Mark was when he randomly stopped calling and texting and I care about Patrick way more than I ever cared about Mark and it terrified me for a quick minute.
So, I acted irrational and crazy and well... just not my best girlfriend moment.
But, instead of getting defensive and angry. He told me he understood where I'm coming from and his communication has improved. And I thought that would bother me because I figure I would look at him just doing it to appease me, not because he wanted to. But then I realized, he is doing it because he wants to. He wants me to feel special and cared for. And he's not annoyed by it - at least he hasn't let on that he is.
Maybe I am a little scarred from Mark. When I had brought up similar issues to Mark he had thrown back at me, "I never thought you'd be the type of girl that would need all this attention. That was one of the reasons I liked you, because you didn't need me to call you everyday..." Which I always thought was bullshit because that was how it was BEFORE we were dating. When we had started he couldn't go an hour without contacting me before he just stopped altogether one day.
So however hypocritical Mark's statements were, they are still in the back of my mind. And I feel guilty asking for more attention. I need to accept about myself that I want attention. Specifically Patrick's. And it's not wrong that I do want his attention. I give him so much of mine, I deserve his in return and he understands that and wants to give me that attention.
I'm needy.
Gosh, if some of the people who used to be in my life could see me now they probably wouldn't recognize me.
But, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
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