How I Feel About Work Right Now (Day 300: 400 Days of Exile)

xoxo

Little Tornado

Not Doing So Well: Day 222: 400 Days in Exile

I've been hitting new lows lately. I already wasn't on a particular high , but on December 15 I got some bad news.... and I... haven't been handling it well.

I did something very nice for Turtle Man, more or less before this bad news, but he did not receive it until after and I don't think he understands that he is dealing with two different Little Tornados.

The one before was a muted storm - not doing super well, but not doing poorly.
Now, I"m a tempest. My emotions are everywhere. I'm sad all the time, which is something I am NOT used to. My body image is in the toilet. My sense of self worth in general is suffering.

All of these feelings, including some anger I should have expressed to Turtle Man but instead kept it bottled up, pretty much exploded when I was on vacation with all of my firends and I feel like any good will I earned is gone. And that I am just terrible and worthless and.... it's just all a little too real.

I go back and forth from being angry and sad and whenever I'm happy I feel like I don't deserve to be and I go back to being angry or sad.

I just want to sleep indefinitely.

I don't know.

*Shrugs*


Little Tornado

Time to Pretend: Day 158: 400 Days of Exile

It is official: I am going to Dublin and Budapest Summer 2017.

This trip will be paid by myself. Taken by myself.

Which is terrifying. At least the going part. But that's pretty much why I have to do it.

Dublin

I've traveled with family. I've traveled with friends. I plan on traveling with Turtle Man next summer to somewhere tropical. And if we ever take the plunge and tie the know, we're going to Japan and that's the end of that.

But, I have this need to travel by myself. I just truly believe it is the only way I can actually appreciate the experience. I tend to either goof off with other people or get annoyed with them: both of which hamper the experience that I want to have.

In fact, my favorite international experiences, by far, were those moments where I, more or less, let myself wander off for a bit.

One moment that stands out to me was the when I visited Museo del Prado on a foreign exchange trip to Spain - a trip I thoroughly under appreciated, being barely 17. But the museum trip came during the last days of our stay in Madrid and armed with nothing but my iPod and a pad of paper, I walked among the art and really looked. Somehow, appropriating The Airborne Toxic Event to works by Monet, Matisse, and Rembrand made me appreciate these works or art more and made me appreciate the music more as well. It was a weird surreal juxtaposition that really flowed with me. I still can't listen to Sometime Around Midnight without remembering those couple hours.

The other was just over a year ago in Rome. I was listening to Rick Steves Guided Tours of the Vatican and making my way through that cathedral - which is honestly breathtaking and, by far, my favorite thing that I saw in Rome. I had spent days with my family hanging out 24/7, something we hadn't done in years. And getting away from them and focusing only on the tour and the art and the church really made me appreciate it more.

Budapest. I guess Europe digs bridges...

I don't know - I just feel that I need to do this. My mom has already tried to invite herself along, but I need to do this for me. I'll go again with her if she wants. But, this is something I need to do on my own.

Wish me luck,

Little Tornado

On Fantasy, A Rant (Day 81: 400 Days of Exile)

More specifically on this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/fantasy-forever?utm_term=.chZ40ldMw5#.vdOZ3er1Y

I don't know if I've made it clear. But I utterly adore fantasy novels. It has been my genre of choice since I read Mistborn: The Final Empire, by Brandon Sanderson (number 12 on this list) when I was 15. (In fact I could write an entire post about how profoundly Mistborn changed my life. But I won't. At least not now. I have 319 days to go and a 40 day hiatus to make up for. It could happen)

I am not perfect, due to the nature of length of these books, as well as an unintentional reading dry spell through college, I haven't read all or even most of the books on this list. However, per the lists order, these are the ones I have read:

#2 The Stormlight Archives, by Brandon Sanderson (2 books)
#3 A Song of Ice and Fire, by George R. R. Martin (5 books)
#4 The Lord of the Rings, by J. R. R. Tolkein (4 books)
#12 Mistborn, by Brandon Sanderson (3 books, 1 novella)
#16 Harry Potter, by J. K. Rowling (7 books)
#18 The Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis (well, I've read The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe)
#25 The Wheel of Time, by Robert Jordan (14 books)
#34 Redwall, by Brian Jacques (well, PART of the first one)
#36 Inheritence Cycle, by Christopher Paolini (the first 2. I got about a chapter into the third and had to stop when they started talking about dragon jock itch)
#47 The Farseer Trilogy, by Robin Hobb (the first 1)

And while I'm happy to see that my favorite fantasy authors are getting some love (Brandon Sanderson and Robert Jordan), I have to rant for a minute about The Wheel of Time's placement.

It should be in the Top 5.

I can't base my opinions on the ones I haven't read. But, of the Top 5 series on this list, I have fully read 3 of them and the #1 pick, The Kingkiller Chronicles, has been sitting on my bookshelf for at least a couple of months now patiently awaiting me to finish my power reread of Wheel of Time.

And as a lover of all the other series, I would put The Wheel of Time above them all except for maybe The Lord of the Rings.

So, in reverse order, this is why I feel that Wheel is better than each of the books before it as well as a brief discussion on LOTR (I've decided to exclude Narnia too. I've only read the first one and its not fair to judge the series as a whole based on one book)

Harry Potter

Okay, let's get this straight. I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan. You don't accidentally memorize the first paragraph of Harry Potter and throw the most AWESOME themed party for the release of the final movie without being a huge fan of Harry Potter.
But, it's ultimately, a children's book series. It's lovely and magical and fantastical - but it lacks the scope of epic fantasy targeted at adult audiences. As such, WOT > Harry Potter. Don't hurt me.

Mistborn

As previously stated, Mistborn changed my life. And if this were a list of greatest STANDALONE fantasy novels, Mistborn:The Final Empire could trump many of them. But as a series, it's not my favorite. The loss of a pivotal character drastically changes the tone of Well of Ascension and Hero of Ages, which I feel that that the cool world building that was added didn't make up for the tone change enough. Plus, Elend went from interesting to dull in 10 seconds flat.

LOTR

Should be #1. This entire topic would be either non existent or very different without LOTR.

ASOIAF

Where do I even begin? I commend Martin for his prose and his ability to build a world that is rich with back story and legend. And, I remind you, I've read the whole fricken thing, which I can't say about all of the ones I've tried to read on this list. But ASOIAF, while brilliant in its own right, is riddled with issues that other people commend it for and because of the TV series I believe it's disproportionately more popular than it should be. All of my complaints with ASOIAF could fill a post that I will more than likely do at some point, but not now. But, I believe that WOT trumps ASOIAF any day. And not just because WOT uses plot devices other than death and rape to keep the story moving (though you could argue that WOT doesn't use death enough). Both series can be accused of being a bit slow moving, but even Winter's Heart is more entertaining and fast paced than A Feast for Crows. And you are a dirty, dirty liar if you disagree with me.

(ALSO: I may remind you that the first few covers of Game of Thrones featured a cover quote from the late Jordan - whose name was much better known at the time and carried a lot of weight. So, I'm not hating on ASOIAF - Jordan liked it too. Click picture for more info - there's a really cool letter from Jordan to his editor about Game of Thrones)

Stormlight Chronicles

Love me some Stormlight Chronicles. But we're only two books in. The Wheel of Time at two books in is very different from the series as whole. Stormlight very much has the possibility of trumping Wheel, but, as it stands, we just can't know that yet

Anyway.

There's my rant.

Take it as you will.

Did I mention I'm going to JordanCon next April?

Little Tornado

My Third Heartbreak (Day 80: 400 Days of Exile)

It has been a long hiatus but much needed.
I believe my last post indicated that due to my stress levels, updating every day was not going to happen again for awhile. I had intended to give more interim updates but since the only thing that was on my mind was the CPA exam, it took too much effort to come up with other topics. Besides, did anyone really want to hear me agonize over intricacies and trials of the CPA exam for days/months on end?
Because that's what I was doing - agonizing. The last 3 months have been some of the toughest months of my life. The lack of a social life was only a part of it - and a small part at that. What was tougher to get through was that, for the first time, I was doing something I hated where the results mattered and were important to me. Even in the darkest times or studying or writing, I could find a hed of light to keep me going. Some small part that was fun. And if it truly was terrible, it would be over in no longer than a week.
I cannot say the same thing about studying for the CPA exam. It was... difficult to dwell on it at the time, hence why I was loathe to write about it. I find that pain and anxiety are much easier to reflect on after they have passed. I had a similar experience when I went through the heartbreak of unrequited love and possibility of losing someone because of my own actions. Thankfully, both siuations only happened once, but on neither occasion was I able to write about it while it was happening. Perhaps the CPA exam is my third heartbreak?
It's too soon to say, I get my last test score back next Tuesday, after which I may or may not do a full synopsis of the experience - I know reading about someone else's experience helped me get through mine. But, until then, I'm not touching the subject if I don't have to.
Until then, in summary: I took my last exam August 7th, had a wedding August 8th, left for training for work August 9th untl August 14th, had a whirlwind of a weekend, and am currently in my first week in the office.
My time is limited. But I really want to make this a priority. In order to do so, I need to make what I'm writing about interesting - which is anything except the CPA exam right now.
You'll have to deal with song recommendations, Sailor Moon rewatch/reviews, convention coverage, Video game shenanigans, and whatever the hell other adventures I decide to embark on.
Until then,
Little Tornado

A lapse of time (400 Days of Exile: Day 24)

My first real lapse in posting.

The stresses of the CPA exam has been getting me, so I apologize. I probably won't post much until this part is over on July 2.

I've started pulling 12 hours a day. Between that and some bad news Turtle Man got that I was trying to be supportive for, blog updates fell to the wayside.

I don't feel like getting into it.

Mood: Hopeless

AGH ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? (400 Days of Summer: Day 15)

For the record: I have successfully written a  blog post, every. damn. day. for TWO WEEKS.

Admittedly, most are short, not all have pictures, and, I'll be real, it's not my best work.

But I did it. And I was proud.

ANNNNNNDDDDDD. I just realized that none of them have posted.

I mean, luckily they are all here.... they were saved as drafts. I don't know. It was probably my fault. I probably did something weird...

Regardless, this gets me out of writing something today.

Enjoy the slew from the last 2 weeks that I am going to post.

Little Tornado

Wedding Showers (400 Days of Exile: Day 14)

I have so many this summer.

And the actual weddings are this summer too.

This is all I had to say.

Little Tornado

Here's a song:



Little Tornado

Country USA Prep (400 Days of Exile, Day 13)

I don't have much time to write today.

I'm going to Country USA in a week or so.

I'm trying to prep for the big day.

Here: you can too:



Little Tornado

Train Problems (400 Days of Exile: Day 12)

So, I'm almost 2 weeks in and I experienced a sea of frustration commuting from the suburbs to Chicago.

It was all pretty much my own fault:

I tried to go to a different parking lot only to discover it has been turned into City Hall parking only. I couldn't find my parking money, I missed the train that would have gotten me to class on time by maybe 30 seconds, and then when I got on the train, I realized I left my monthly pass at home so I had to fill out a weird form and mail in my fare.

All very first world problems.

None the less annoying.

Also: I mean to make some less bloggy-more think piece/entertaining posts, however, we may have to suffer through brief updates until August 7th - the day of my last CPA exam.

Sorry, not sorry,

Little Tornado

Book Finish: A Crown of Swords (400 Days of Exile: Day 11)

I've been reading in my spare time.

Something I haven't done in much too long.

I'm trying to power through Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time series so I can finally read the only one I haven't read - the very last one - which has been on my shelf since it came out in 2013.

I started back in October and, as of today, I am halfway through the series, just finishing up Book 7: A Crown of Swords.

I read an interesting theory awhile back on Tumblr and I can't find it right now, but suffice it say it's not mine.

A Crown of Swords is commonly thought to be the crown of Illian - as it is quite literally a Crown of Swords. It is even referred to in the books as "the Crown of Swords."

However, in a later book, I can't remember which one, Nynaeve delves Rand, looking to cure his madness, and finds him wrapped in a web tangled with thorns that seem to pierce him all over.

It was speculated that Rand's crown of madness is the true Crown of Swords. In fact, a Crown of Swords s the first book that you really start to worry about Rand;s sanity.

I like this theory so much that I don't even care if its true.

It seems a very Robert Jordan thing to do anyway.

Best,

Little Tornado

Suspicious (400 Days of Exile: Day 10)

I have a growing suspicion that the parking garage by the train station doesn't actually ticket you for not paying.

Hear me out: It's super manual. You don't need a ticket to get in or out.

You deposit the money (cash or change) in slots with your parking spot number on it.

I understand that this used to be the most efficient way to do this - I am not naive enough to believe electronic parking garage devices always existed.

But I definitely missed how to pay for this as a teenager and never got a ticket. Also, it would be a very inefficient way to give tickets. I just can't picture someone walking through the garage comparing numbers on spots with cash in the slots.

But what do I know?

I'm still going to pay the $2.

Little Tornado

WHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (400 Days of Exile: Day 9)

I passed BEC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately some of this joy is stifled by the fact that I have three more tests to go - but I'm going to enjoy this small victory.

I am also choosing to ignore that after the initial congratulations, my mother was back on "Now don't go thinking you don't have to study now."

Today is going to be a great day.

Also, my outfit is on point!

[insert picture]

Little Tornado

Breakdown #1 (400 Days of Exile, Day 8)

So, I lasted a week.

I would be more proud if I wasn't shaking all over.

I got the majority of it out over text with Turtle Man - but my heart wasn't even in it.

My result for BEC could be posted in the next hour and a half, so I was trying to read - but the minutes were dragging by, where ten felt like an hour.

Whenever I sit down to write for this, I get consumed with exhaustion so I am hoping it will help me fall asleep.

My breakdown centered mainly around anxiety over this test score as well as some snide comments about my studying from my mother.

Textbook stuff.

I'm going to try to go to bed.

Little Tornado

P.S. Here's some more Mountain Goats, because.

CPA Talk: Anxiety (400 Days of Exile: Day 7)

So, I started studying for FAR 7 days ago. 3 days before that I had taken BEC. I get my result on Tuesday and I am freaking out.

I had already been freaking out about BEC. I'm taking Becker and I got an 83 and a 70 on my practice tests. The test in practice... I don't know. I don't even want to think about it.

I thought I had the perfect study schedule for FAR, but the problems are significantly longer than BEC and I feel so.... dismayed.

Why did I decide to do the Fast Pass?

I would write more, but I'm too high strung to write a long post.

#accountingforlyfe

Little Tornado

Wouldn't It Be Nice (400 Days of Exile: Day 6)

I miss sleeping with my boyfriend.

Literally sleeping with him.

I sleep much better when I can hold his hand.




Little Tornado

Prickly (400 Days of Exile: Day 5)

It has yet to erupt fully, but I can already feel myself getting prickly with my parents.

Nothing major has happened: a pointed comment here, an unwanted lecture there.

It is a familiar feeling that I remember from high school, though it is now coupled with something else: guilt.

Perhaps it took going away and meeting new people and learning about their family dynamics, but I've been feeling incredibly blessed about how wonderful my parents are. They are so helpful and willing to support me financially. They feed me, they clothe me. They are even granting me a remarkable amount of freedom.

Of course, I am going to feel like they are harshing my mellow when they ask me if I am studying enough or getting enough sleep. It would be easy to get mad at them - but I am trying my best not to. They do so much for me, they don't deserve my anger.

It will be tough to hold my anger - I can already feel it seeping into my tone sometimes. I will undoubtedly have to find some sort of way to communicate the negative things effectively.

The challenge is particularly strong with my mother. In many ways, we are remarkably similar. That causes us to butt heads almost as much as our differences.

Much like everything else I have mentioned, I will have to keep you posted.

So many challenges, so little time.

Little Tornado

Exhaustion (400 Days of Exile: Day 4)

It seems my packing highlighter from Saturday and the constant studying has caught up with me. After I got home from my class... I napped.

It was glorious.

I'll be back at it tomorrow.

In the meantime, I've been really digging The Mountain Goats lately.

This song is better than any blog post I could ever write.



Until I wake,

Little Tornado

The Little Things (400 Days of Exile: Day 3)

Juice made with spinach, bananas, and ambiguous fruits prepared by my super star of a dad

I approach this new adventure cautiously. It will be very easy to tip over the edge into an abyss of reliving my post-adolescence. Being stranded from a city, I adore, is hardly ideal.

However, the "comforts of home" are not to be discounted. In fact, focusing on these trifles will be vital to my survival in this suburban tundra of death. I have highlighted 3 in particular that I do not discount as insignificant.

Firstly, oh my god, the space! I had been living in a studio for the past two years, which maybe had three rooms if you counted my closet. Here, I have a room that might be the size of what my studio was. I can cook, eat, watch TV, study, and sleep all in a different room. It's INSANE! I can't believe I used to live like this.

In fact, I remember when I came back from college that first summer after my freshman year (which was nothing like this, by the way, because it was temporary. This is somewhat permanent in the matter that I don't have a set in stone end date other than the self chosen August 1, 2016), I felt like it had shrunk, and that I was so large. It felt like a place I had never been to before. I was still happy about the space, but I had been away for a measly 9 months - my small dorm hadn't tainted me yet.

I haven't managed to fully unpack yet, but the sheer amount of options of where I can put all my stuff... mindboggling.

Secondly, my bed.

Okay, so its not my bed. I had taken my bed - my super comfortable, amazing bed - to school with me. During that time, my parents had decided that there even more comfortable king-sized bed wasn't groovy enough for them so they got themselves a sleep number and moved their old bed into my room. MY bed, as of now, resides in the garage until it is driven up to its new home in the house my parents bought up in Michigan whose furniture, up until now, has consisted of two folding chairs and an air mattress.

And I swear I google searched this until my fingers bled, because there is a children's book that explains exactly how I feel, and I cannot remember the name. Anyway, it's about a little girl who has a small crib with all of her stuffed animals when she gets upgraded to a huge bed. She feels alone in it so she stuffs it with stuffed animals until its so full, there is no room for her! (If you know the name of this book, please let me know).

This bed is huge and soft and daunting and thrilling. I'm still kind of scared of it, but I'll keep you posted.


I saved the best for last, but easily the best thing about being home is THE FOOD.

Every morning my dad juices and makes my mom and me oatmeal. And every dinner is fully balanced and delicious. It's way better than my sporadic healthy food prep interspersed with lazy mac and cheese and Chinese food.

If I can continue to find advantages to being home, perhaps I can make it through the next 397 days.

That's all for now,

Little Tornado

400 Days of Exile: Day 2

I realize I provided very little details of the condition of my exile.

I am still exhausted from the move so I will be as brief and concise as possible.

In short, my lease was up. My job doesn't start until August 9th - in the city, Thank God. So, looking at a couple months of no income, draining my savings account to spend three months in the city didn't seem too smart of an idea.

Additionally, I am currently studying for the CPA exam and have no life and won't be having much of a summer anyway - it would have been a summer of seclusion if not a summer of exile.

Now, I already know what you're thinking. 3 months = 90 days (give or take), why 400?

Well... I plan to stay at home until August 2016.

The reasons are twofold:

The simplest being - it really is economical. I can save almost $20,000 in rent and food alone by staying home for a year. Which, is, you know, nice.

However, I have a bigger motivation. My mother, bless her heart, is a wonderful woman. But very conservative and can be guilty of manipulation at times.When I was younger, I was terrified of her for no reason and that worked well enough to keep me in line. But, as I got older, the fear started to ebb, so she used another leverage point: money. Simply put, if I did not behave in a way she wished she would threaten cut funding to a, b, and c. (A. B. and C usually being college, really)

They were usually silly things like don't get a tattoo, which were very easy to live without. I didn't like being held back, but who was I to challenge my parents' generosity?

But, I think I have gotten to the age where "mommy not paying for stuff" shouldn't be a reason I base my decisions around anymore. By staying at home for a year, I can build a cushion of money where my mother;s input and advice will always be welcome, but never more than advice.

Ultimately, I want my decisions to be my own. I do not want to depend on anyone,

And, unfortunately for me, the quickest way to do that is to live at home for a bit.

Little Tornado