Not Doing So Well: Day 222: 400 Days in Exile

I've been hitting new lows lately. I already wasn't on a particular high , but on December 15 I got some bad news.... and I... haven't been handling it well.

I did something very nice for Turtle Man, more or less before this bad news, but he did not receive it until after and I don't think he understands that he is dealing with two different Little Tornados.

The one before was a muted storm - not doing super well, but not doing poorly.
Now, I"m a tempest. My emotions are everywhere. I'm sad all the time, which is something I am NOT used to. My body image is in the toilet. My sense of self worth in general is suffering.

All of these feelings, including some anger I should have expressed to Turtle Man but instead kept it bottled up, pretty much exploded when I was on vacation with all of my firends and I feel like any good will I earned is gone. And that I am just terrible and worthless and.... it's just all a little too real.

I go back and forth from being angry and sad and whenever I'm happy I feel like I don't deserve to be and I go back to being angry or sad.

I just want to sleep indefinitely.

I don't know.

*Shrugs*


Little Tornado

My Third Heartbreak (Day 80: 400 Days of Exile)

It has been a long hiatus but much needed.
I believe my last post indicated that due to my stress levels, updating every day was not going to happen again for awhile. I had intended to give more interim updates but since the only thing that was on my mind was the CPA exam, it took too much effort to come up with other topics. Besides, did anyone really want to hear me agonize over intricacies and trials of the CPA exam for days/months on end?
Because that's what I was doing - agonizing. The last 3 months have been some of the toughest months of my life. The lack of a social life was only a part of it - and a small part at that. What was tougher to get through was that, for the first time, I was doing something I hated where the results mattered and were important to me. Even in the darkest times or studying or writing, I could find a hed of light to keep me going. Some small part that was fun. And if it truly was terrible, it would be over in no longer than a week.
I cannot say the same thing about studying for the CPA exam. It was... difficult to dwell on it at the time, hence why I was loathe to write about it. I find that pain and anxiety are much easier to reflect on after they have passed. I had a similar experience when I went through the heartbreak of unrequited love and possibility of losing someone because of my own actions. Thankfully, both siuations only happened once, but on neither occasion was I able to write about it while it was happening. Perhaps the CPA exam is my third heartbreak?
It's too soon to say, I get my last test score back next Tuesday, after which I may or may not do a full synopsis of the experience - I know reading about someone else's experience helped me get through mine. But, until then, I'm not touching the subject if I don't have to.
Until then, in summary: I took my last exam August 7th, had a wedding August 8th, left for training for work August 9th untl August 14th, had a whirlwind of a weekend, and am currently in my first week in the office.
My time is limited. But I really want to make this a priority. In order to do so, I need to make what I'm writing about interesting - which is anything except the CPA exam right now.
You'll have to deal with song recommendations, Sailor Moon rewatch/reviews, convention coverage, Video game shenanigans, and whatever the hell other adventures I decide to embark on.
Until then,
Little Tornado

A lapse of time (400 Days of Exile: Day 24)

My first real lapse in posting.

The stresses of the CPA exam has been getting me, so I apologize. I probably won't post much until this part is over on July 2.

I've started pulling 12 hours a day. Between that and some bad news Turtle Man got that I was trying to be supportive for, blog updates fell to the wayside.

I don't feel like getting into it.

Mood: Hopeless

Breakdown #1 (400 Days of Exile, Day 8)

So, I lasted a week.

I would be more proud if I wasn't shaking all over.

I got the majority of it out over text with Turtle Man - but my heart wasn't even in it.

My result for BEC could be posted in the next hour and a half, so I was trying to read - but the minutes were dragging by, where ten felt like an hour.

Whenever I sit down to write for this, I get consumed with exhaustion so I am hoping it will help me fall asleep.

My breakdown centered mainly around anxiety over this test score as well as some snide comments about my studying from my mother.

Textbook stuff.

I'm going to try to go to bed.

Little Tornado

P.S. Here's some more Mountain Goats, because.